Trauma Survivors Network - provided by ATS

who am I now?

I was in a head on car crash on 2/1/2013. I was on my way to work when a man who was texting swerved into my lane and hit me head on. It happened so fast that I had no time to react. I saw his truck out of the corner of my eye swerve in my direction, the next thing I can remember is the taste of blood, and the smell of the airbag and crushed metal. I was slumped over and couldn’t move my legs. The pain was tremendous that I had to keep reminding myself to breath. EMS came pretty quick; it hurt like hell when they pulled me out of the car! I’ve never been so scared in all of my life. I broke my back and crushed both legs from the knees down. My back is fused now from L1-L3 and I have a lot of plates and screws holding my legs together. I spent a month in the hospital and then came home to 24/7 home care for months. I was totally non weight bearing for over 3 months and in a wheelchair. I now have a body of a seventy year old woman and I’m only 38. I lost a lot of muscle!!

Thankfully I have been walking for a few months now. Aside from the bad scars on my legs (which I hide), obvious weight / muscle loss and walking a little funny, I look like nothing has happened. I almost want to have my wheelchair back so that everyone will stop expecting me to do everything I used to be able to do. I’m still in a lot of pain in my back and in my knees and I’m on a lot of pain meds. I feel like no one understands what I’m going through. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be now. I can’t work and I have no desire to start driving; so I’ve isolated. I feel scared all the time, I cry every day….sometimes all day and I’m having panic attacks. I wasn’t like this before. I used to be an outgoing, strong and very independent woman. To make matters worse, I’m a single Mom of three. I can’t imagine how this has affected them watching me give up like I have. I miss who I used to be and I know my kids do too.

Reply: who am I now?

Hi Dawn,
Thanks for sharing your story. I know it is hard to “look normal” but not “be normal.” I was in a head on car crash with my two sons in the car with me. I couldn’t walk for several months but I am able to walk now. I can’t run (or even jog) but I look normal to other people. about 7 years after my crash, my wife was hit head on by a drunk driver. She had about 15 surgeries. She also looks normal but is permanently disabled.
Both my wife and I have benefited from peer visits and attending support groups. The biggest benefit I got was just knowing that I wasn’t “alone” in my feelings and fears. I thought I was the only one going through this. Meeting other survivors and hearing their stories and knowing they are having the same feelings as I am having was a great benefit. I didn’t feel so “alone.”

Send TSN an email with your location. They might have someone in your area. If not, they have some online services. Also, feel free to send an email back to me. My personal email address is BobBaldassari@gmail.com

Reply: who am I now?

Hi Dawn. I fell 28 feet off a roof a little over a year ago and broke my neck and spine. During the last year, I learned (the hard way) two things that helped, and will always continue to help, my recovery:

1) Reach out for help. I tried at first to go it alone, and, somehow, some way, realized that I had to have help to get better-both physically and mentally. I agree with Bob: If you are near a TSN Support Group, consider giving it a try. If you are not near one and cannot get to meetings, continue to reach out to Bob or anyone else at TSN via this forum or email. TSN continues to help me each and every day. You are not alone.

2) Take one day at a time and set some goals. Through TSN, I have met a number of survivors. Each one has a goal of some sort and each approaches their goal differently-whatever works for them. Some goals are HUGE: One guy I met through TSN was rock climbing and fell….his goal is to someday climb that mountain that he fell off of. Other people I have met who were injured biking want to someday get back on a bike and go a long distance. Other folks who were injured that way just want to just get back on a bike again to show that they can….to not let it affect them….Me…well…I discovered that having a HUGE goal like running a 5K race or playing competitive soccer again did not work for me….while I want to do those things…having them as a goal proved too much for me right now. To help me get through physical therapy and get better mentally…I stumbled onto a plan and an attitude:

Take days one at a time and try to get better….a little better….each day. My goal: Just get a little better each day-a day at a time. Do whatever works for you….it took me some time to figure it all out-and I am still figuring it all out. You are not alone.