How much is too much?
For anyone who reads this. Thank you for taking the time.
I’m a type A personality; someone who always has to do things right and perfectly. I have a Master’s degree in Epidemiology and Biostatistics and was in my second year of medical school when fate struck me down for a second time. It pains me to think that my resume means nothing now; it matters not that I have worked in public health in Florida or with the CDC. The only thing that matters is that I am human. In 2011, I had a rollover accident, driving 60 mph on the highway and thought I was dead. I survived that and have come a long way since then. I still have long-term pain but I manage the symptoms with physical therapy on my own and yoga, among other things. In August of 2013, I had a positive PPD, a test that determines tuberculosis exposure, although my chest x-ray was clear I had to take medication because there were a lot of risks to myself and patients. I took the medication and began to feel symptoms characteristic of adverse effects to the medication. The doctors sent me home when I told them I thought I was having a reaction. They never checked my liver, even though liver damage is a known cause of the medication, a few weeks after that I went to the ER twice and was told by the most arrogant doctor that I did have a very toxic reaction to the medication but my liver would regenerate because that’s what it does. Two days later I was in the isolation ward of the ICU clinging to my life and I had to call my parents who live in Miami to let them know that I was about to die and that they had to fly to D.C. I was in liver failure and by many miracles have made it a long way since that day in September. I have a lot of feelings, anger at the doctors, resentment because I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs so why was this happening to me? I also feel happy to be alive. I’m exhausted from the whirlwind that has become my life. Being on medical leave means I must rejoin the new class in August and start over, I have no money, many medical bills, I can’t get financial aid because I’m not registered, I can’t declare bankruptcy because then I will not be eligible for loans in August, I’m probably about to get kicked off my insurance plan because it was through the school, and yes I know these are all mundane complaints compared with health scares but they are the current realities that make this time so much harder. Sometimes I hate that I know so much about my state of health because it makes me paranoid but I also value the knowledge I have because otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this right now. I think in percentages and given that I had less than a 1% chance of getting sick and a 50:50 chance of survival I have had many conflicting emotions.
