Trauma Survivors Network - provided by ATS

We're alive, we must be okay - right?

June 26,2007 is the day the will forever be etched into my brain. I wasn’t even running late for work or anything.. It was a gorgeous June morning, sunny, it was supposed to be almost 80 degrees that day. My children were getting along so well. My son wanted to wear a new outfit that day he was 3 1/2 at the time, specifically a muscle shirt and “cool” shorts. My daughter, only 18 months insisted on having a pajama day. She was just learning to talk, I remember thinking how wonderful it was that she could even communicate something like that. I work for a pharmaceutical company as a field sales rep so I loaded my stuff up from my home office, packed up the kids and we were on our way to get bagels before I dropped them off for the day. I remember seeing my neighbor Suzi walking her new puppy – too cute! I remember exactly what I was wearing, a brown floral print jersey dress, and a pair of nude heels I had just gotten. The morning was shaping up wonderfully. I drove my babies the same way I always do when I am stopping for bagels first, we had done it a million times. This time it was different. This time everything changed. The las thing I remembered seeing was a look over to my left and seeing a pontoon boat covered by a maroon boat cover, then all I remember is ‘this isn’t really happening’ ‘i have my babies’ ‘what is happening to my babies’ I saw the logo of her BMW seemingly in my face , I can still feel to this day my head turn along with my chest being knocked out of breathe from the impact. Everything went to the left. I remember the entire van being turned around and looking out my driviers window trying to yell, but only being able to gasp for help – from anybody – MY BABIES WERE IN THE CAR! At that moment I couldn’t get out, I was unable to turn around to fully see them, I couldn’t fully assess the situation. At that time, I knew I needed them OUT OF THE CAR it seemed so urgent to me. It was the scariest most difficult time in their life. They needed someone to be able to count on – I couldn’t protect them and I couldn’t save them now. I wanted to fix it fix it fixit. this is only the very beginning of our story i;ll fill in more later….

Reply: We're alive, we must be okay - right?

Everything that I remember is in so much detail and so vivid it becomes overwhelming to put it all together at once. Lucas was screaming and crying, Olivia wasn’t – that scared me beyond belief. I was stuck between the steering wheel and my seat, nothing would move, I couldn’t even turn around to see her she was a baby, she was directly behind me, I was still trying to make sense of what happened, still trying to get help, still trying to get out, still trying to see if she was alive. My window was smashed out, a few drivers in vehicles behind me answered my calls for help. None of the doors were working. I was so desperate to make everything better, I was eerily calm considering what had just happened. I wish I hadn’t, I actually asked my 3 1/2 year old son to try to unlock his door – I asked him to move. I can’t remember if he couldn’t, wouldn’t or was just plain frozen with fright, who could blame him whatever the reason. I feel bad asking just thinking back. Finally someone had gotten something to break the back window of my mini van, they broke it climbed in and opened doors, they moved Olivia. They took her out of her seat – I asked them to – I know better. I finally saw Olivia, she was dazed, she had a bloody lip, they said she was okay, she wasn’t. For some reason, they were holding Olivia over on Lucas’ side of the car, they were taking him out, this time by keeping him in his seat. This couldn’t be happening. How could it possibly be happening? I had always told Lucas that my number one job was to protect him & Olivia and to take care of them. I had failed at both. I didn’t keep them safe. All of a sudden I saw Olivia’s eyes rolling into the back of her head. She was far from okay. Against the urging of others I tried to literally rip myself out of the vehicle. I was finally able to, my shoes were still stuck in the floorboards – I remember my first frantic step out of the car I nearly fell to the ground. I couldn’t walk, my foot was most certainly broken. It was during this time, when I couldn’t get to my kids, when I could see Lucas sitting in his highback booster seat up on a hill crying – he had a bird’s eye view of everything, when Olivia still wasn’t getting the help she needed, when I was screaming to EMS to help my children (they didn’t focus on Lucas and Olivia – they looked okay, they weren’t bleeding…) this was the time I started to learn what had just happened. The man in the car behind me was at this point helping me and was insisting I not move. I remember asking him what had happened – he said “there’s no way you could have missed her.” This part I don’t remember, from what he tells me as I was cresting a small hill on the two lane roadway, the car I was traveling behind swerved to the right at the last minute, just as I reached the top and the other car got out of the way there she was. She was driving down the wrong side of the road. She was driving on the WRONG side of the road? I didn’t even have time to comprehend everything. We were finally in the ambulance. All 3 of us in the same ambulance, heading to unknown territory. Everyone had to be fine, there weren’t really any other options. I’ll have to add more later.

Reply: We're alive, we must be okay - right?

I look forward to hearing more.

Reply: We're alive, we must be okay - right?

I second Liz’s sentiments. I’ve been where you are. I know the questions. I know in the newness of all this, how difficult it can be, not that I pretend to know your personal struggles. There is a common bond between trauma survivors, yet every experience is different, and we deal with what we’ve been through differently. We are all individuals after all.

I just want you to know that full emotional recovery is quite possible for everyone that seeks it. I’ve had an amazing life myself after I got all my issues dealt with. It took me 8 years, but I had no help or support, I was all on my own! You however are reaching out to people that can give you help and advice along the way. You’re in the right place and you’re not alone.

Steve

http://www.trauma.survivor.org – my trauma site

http://wilk.traumasurvivor.org/my-story-table-o… – my story

http://twitter.com/TraumaTweets – on Twitter

http://www.facebook.com/Digitalterrain – on Facebook