Trauma Survivors Network - provided by ATS

I'm a nervous wreck and feel lost and confused

Hello! I’m new to this survivor network and I’m sitting in front of my computer with tears falling freely as I read some of the courageous stories of other survivors. I was a passenger in a horrible accident 7 months ago. I was with a coworker in our company car heading to a conference. We just got to our freeway exit but the exit ramp was backed up (red light) so we sat in our car waiting for the light to change and for the traffic to clear. The freeway itself was clear. The next thing I knew, I heard a lot of talking and opened my eyes to find that I was in the ER. A pick-up truck hit our compact car at an estimated 65 -70 mph and pushed us into the car in front. Even though I realize that I’m luckier than most, I can’t help but feel that an important part of me died that day. I lost a lot my independence and have to rely on others to get around. I’m constantly dizzy and off balance and have difficulty walking. I lost two teeth and suffer from severe headaches and memory lost. I’m a nervous wreck and constantly feel a sense of doom. I’ve been enough of a burden to my family and friends. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I joined the network hoping to talk to others who may feel the same way. I thank each of you for sharing those stories and admire those who remained positive. I hope that I can find a way to join you in your positive outlooks. I’ve been searching for a local support group for victims of traumatic accidents in the Los Angeles area. I have not had any luck in finding one yet. My next step is to figure out how to start a group. I know there are people nearby hurting as much as I am. Hopefully we can find a group to provide each other with emotional support.

Reply: I'm a nervous wreck and feel lost and confused

Hi Cindee. I was in a car accident 1.5 years ago. Everything you have described here I have gone through and still am. I thought I was handling things pretty well until I tried to go back to work. Didn’t go so well and all these feelings resurfaced again. I too did not want to bother my family anymore…I felt like no one really understood what I was going through…so I started to shut down. Here is my advice to you since it’s been such a short time since your terrible accident. Get in to therapy. I had an evaluation by a neuropsychologist to rule out a brain injury and to figure out what else was going on. I thankfully do not have a lasting brain injury but I do suffer from PTSD which surfaces itself in memory loss, restless sleeping pattern, irritability, withdrawing from family and friends, etc…and the treatment was to start seeing a psychologist that specialized in trauma..and OMG…it is helping so so so much!! Also there is a really good book you might want to read called Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine. Although I will warn you that it’s a bit of a hard read and I know for me, it took awhile before I could concentrate enough to want to read so you may also find that you are like that….but eventually you’ll be able to read and this is one book I recommend. I too have had a hard time finding people in my area that have gone through what I have gone through so I do feel alone in my trauma (I received a broken vertebrae, rib, clavicle, vertigo, and extensive bruising). How is your pain? Thankfully, I am no longer having much pain…but honestly, the physical stuff is easy to handle, it’s the mental stuff that’s hardest…especially when you “look so normal”. No one really gets it and it’s so hard to explain it…even to my husband … who has been fantastic. But at times, I still feel very alone. I’m working on that though. I hope this helps you a bit…hang in there…eventually it will get better but it does take time…lots of time. And I hope you can find a support group in your area …. actually you might want to even go to your local mental health facilities..they may have support groups that could help. Good luck and please feel free to contact me privately if you want. Take care!

Reply: I'm a nervous wreck and feel lost and confused

Thank you so much for responding and understanding! I felt all alone. No one can understand the “vertigo.” My eyes are bouncing uncontrollably causing dizziness and no one here can relate to the feeling. Between the “vertigo” and back/leg issues, I feel fine one moment then I’m barely able to move the next. It’s aweful and no one here understands. I need to go back to work eventually but I’m scared to death of getting behind the wheel again. I’ve been trying to tolerate being in the car as a passenger but I’m so jumpy that no one feels comfortable driving me around. I am so afraid that the other cars are going to hit me at any moment. My memory is very poor these days and like yourself, I’m restless and irritable. I’ve withdrawn from family, friends, and neighbors as much as I can…, I’m so embarrassed. I feel so weak! And as shallow as this may sound, I can’t bare to be seen with my missing teeth. The physical pain is excruciating at times but I agree with you in that the mental pain is far worse. Thank you for being there, for listening, for reaching out.

Reply: I'm a nervous wreck and feel lost and confused

Hi Cindee-
I really hear you and understand. It’s so hard, I know. People keep telling me ’you’re lucky you’re alive, it could have been worse’- and although I know that- it’s small comfort and diminishes what I’m going through. I was in a car accident 2 years ago now- and 6 surgeries, 9 root canals, a tooth implant/bone graft and several laser surgeries later- I’m still not done. I don’t look like I used to but it’s getting a little better. My dizziness comes and goes and double vision is constant if I look up. I was driving about 60 mph and out of the blue- there was an industrial trailer hitch in the road ahead of me, the car 2 cars ahead ran over it and kicked it up over the middle car- and it crashed right through my windshield into my face. Like you-I woke up in the ER. PTSD is creating a lot of my feelings, I know that. I also live near LA- in San Diego North County- and there are no trauma groups around here. It’s so frustrating. To be able to just sit in a group of people who gets it, would be great. Although, my family has been very helpful, I no longer talk about it- because they have their own lives. I’ve isolated myself and have tried to join book clubs and things but my heart just isn’t in it. I KNOW it could have been worse- but I also know that to wake up looking different is no fun, even though people are kind and say they can hardly see the scar bands or that my eyes are slightly skewed now. I wish there was a group around me here.

Reply: I'm a nervous wreck and feel lost and confused

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’re going through. It’s very tough. I know exactly what you mean by people saying “you’re lucky to be alive.” I know they mean well and are sincere but, at the same time, those words are diminishing. I wish I could make all our pains and fear go away.

If you don’t mind me asking, are you driving again? Living in Los Angeles, I need to be to drive around but I’m scared to. Even as a passenger, I feel like cars are heading straight for me. I’m very jumpy in the car. I’m also afraid that I will get a sudden dizzy spell behind the wheel and the last thing I want to do is to cause an accident.

Reply: I'm a nervous wreck and feel lost and confused

What happened to the person that hit us? It’s been 7 months and I’ve never heard from him. I was knocked unconscious and woke up in the emergency room. I spent 6 days in the trauma ward. Based on the police report, he walked away unscathed and lived locally from the trauma hospital. Lucky him. But why haven’t I heard from him. Not once. Not even a letter. Does he even feel an ounce of guilt? Has he even thought about me at all? Whatever he was doing instead of paying attention to the road changed the course of my life forever. He stole my life away yet he has not mothered to apologize, not once! I think about him often. I wonder who he is and what he does. Does he have a family? Why has he not reached out to me? Is the police report wrong? Maybe he was also injured during the accident? I hope not. But why hasn’t he tried to contact me to see how I’m doing?! So many unanswered questions…, i have difficulty sleeping and the random thoughts keep bombarding my mind.

Reply: I'm a nervous wreck and feel lost and confused

I lost my left leg after a women drove her car into me on my motorcycle. she also has not contacted me, but I was told it was because of lawyers advisement. I also suffered a tbi and have to deal with vertigo. as a result I lost my cdl but retained my car and motorcycle liscenses. I did have to rely on others for rides for a long period of time though. I live in Joppa Maryland and nothing is within walking distance, especially with only one leg. I do admire your determination to start your own support group though. best of luck in the future. sincerely, John Baldwin

Reply: I'm a nervous wreck and feel lost and confused

Oh my, can I relate. But I was not in an accident. I am the subject of medical malpractice which has resulted in medical trauma and PTSD.

In June 2014, I was misdiagnosed with a thyroid problem and prescribed thyroid medication, which I took for a total of 5 days. I had a bad reaction after the first dose, and alerted the prescribing doctor of my reaction – racing heart, inability to sleep, feeling that my mind was going really fast and everything was going too fast. He told me that “it would take at least 6 weeks for the medication would take affect and that I needed to take it.” So I thought I needed to give this the “Girl Scout Try” and followed the doctor’s instructions. On the fifth day, my husband and I determined I was still having a bad reaction to the thyroid medication and discontinued. It took 40 days for this medication to work its way out or wear off, and during that time I lost 12 pounds very quickly, could not sleep, panic attacks, all over muscle and body aches/pains, all over weakness, my digestion got all screwed up (going to the bathroom every 10 minutes), loss of appetite, fast pounding heart, and racing mind. Basically, thyroid medication is SPEED and it blew everything out of me – all my hormones, fat stores and neurotransmitters went to zero. My skin hung from my frame and the depression and suicidal thoughts were something that I never thought I could have. I would not be here if it were not for my husband and my parents. No one left me by myself and food went through me so fast that they had to feed me every 2 hours. Of course I never went back to this doctor. I went to a new doctor and she has worked with me ever since. She is the one that told me I have medical trauma and PTSD symptoms and sent me to an EMDR therapist.

I feel guilty, guilty that I took the medication, guilty that I listened to the first doctor. Guilty that I have trauma and PTSD when I wasn’t in an accident and I’m not a war veteran. I was AWAKE and sleep deprived for about 40 days and that really messes with you! I’m mad because this was basically like I took bad drugs or street drugs which I would have never done, but I was sick and not feeling good, that’s why I went to the doc in the first place. I no longer trust myself nor other people. I was so depressed and my whole body hurt, this brought on nerve pain to the extreme. After a year of just working with my new doctor to replenish my body with good fats and get weight back on, she sent me for EMDR therapy and physical therapy to help recover from muscle atrophy.

The EMDR therapy is helping, but recovery is slow. It allows parts of the brain to communicate because trauma stores information in your brain differently and EMDR helps you reprocess this jumbled up stuff and file it away more properly in your brain. But I am still struggling with anger and depression. I have missed out on 2 years of life and what has happened is so uncommon that I can’t find anyone who has been through this. And I hate describing it – I’m the victim so medical malpractice is not descriptive, and people think oh, you lost a little weight? My husband is great, he says the medication was a stimulant and acted just like that. But I am so haunted by what it feels like to not sleep for so long and feel and watch my body waste away by medication that I could not control.

I live scared that this could happen again – not that I’m going to take thyroid medication – but that I could have a bad reaction to medication and that it could make me depressed and suicidal again. I used to have so much energy and think nothing of driving to the grocery store or go shopping. Of course I did not drive during the 40 days with no sleep, and I have only driven a handful of times since and not very far without having a panic attack. I still have a lot of nerve pain, which my PT thinks is due to very tight muscles that cut off the blood flow all along my sciatic nerve path. I have been going 2 times per week for a year and my PT is wonderful I love him very much. My husband takes me to PT and at PT I have started to experience the calming of my central nervous system, which is something that I have forgotten what this feels like! ! It takes 9 to 18 months for compressed nerves to heal so maybe that is starting to happen for me.

So I read your stories and pray for your recovery.

Reply: I'm a nervous wreck and feel lost and confused

Ladies your stories are amazing and Im glad to see Im not alone on July 6 2016 a man crossed the center line and hit me and my children head on leaving my husbands Silverado hanging on the side of an embankment by the good lords grace my children were not hurt and Im alive to be mommy again….my injuries are severe 2 broke legs and q broke arm and a brain bleed that was stopped. Before this accident I had the white fence life two amazing kids and I married prince charming….6 weeks at the trauma unit crying and praying daily to be home and now Im home still crying wondering why me and 5 more weeks till I can stand….why can’t I be mommy like before and what Id give to stand over a hot stove cooking dinner for my family I see my husband struggling to keep it together while im constantly falling apart….any advice when does it get easier when can I have my dream job of being a housewife back again and how do you forgive the person that did this to you?

Reply: I'm a nervous wreck and feel lost and confused

You must live on the now and not dwell on the past or future. To reduce your stress just deal with today. That’s how I survive from multiple injuries and the death of my sister in the crash that changed my life. staying present is the only way to live without great suffering. I wish you the best.