Trauma Survivors Network - provided by ATS

Will it get easier.

by AKRedz on Sep 06, 2016, 05:46PM

I was sleeping on the couch. Woke up to my wife telling me there was someone in the garage. I ran outside to see what was going on. Trying to draw the guy away from my house hoping he would run towards me. Instead he tried running in my house. So I reacted and grabbed the guy and started beating him. He pulled a gun out than my focus was on getting the gun from him I couldn’t. I than put the guy in a choke hold knowing it only takes about 6 seconds to choke someone out. Well he shot missed I let go than he stuck in my side and pulled the trigger. I lie there in dis belief. He than ran I got up and chased him again and tackled him but the adrenaline wore off. I walked slowly back to my house but couldn’t make it. Woke up in hospital spent two weeks in. Got out for three days than went back in for another week because of internal bleeding in my kidney. I Don’t like asking for help I’m strong and independent. I feel bad for everyone around me who helps because I’m not used to it. My wife has been a rock but I feel bad for her because I can be an asshole sometimes. I don’t like being stuck in the house I like being out doing stuff. While I was in the hospital someone made a prank call to the house saying there was a little girl being held at gunpoint in my house. My daughter was at school at the time. But that has forever changed me I have a hard time leaving her home alone anymore. I had a panic attack the other day when she wanted to stay home. Even though that was forward progress for her. All I could think of somebody breaking in house. Sorry for the ramble just wanted to get that out there. I tend to bottle things up. And it still doesn’t even seem real to me until I feel the pain from the wounds. Thanks for hearing me out.

Reply: Will it get easier.

by Claire on Oct 22, 2016, 10:22AM

I’m sorry you are dealing with fears for your family’s safety after this, but it’s understandable that you have those fears. A what if situation became reality for you and your life will never be the same.

I am a gsw survivor from a home accident.

It’s hard finding a moment to feel like yourself again. For a long time I felt very guarded. Certain things bothered me that shouldn’t have. While recovering the first year I was fearful of getting in a car accident and having more damage to my already disabled body. If we were going to the movies or passing a sketchy area, my mind raced to the idea of being shot at (sometimes still). Two years later, I now worry about fending off an attacker when I’m by myself (something I used to feel I could handle), or not being able to run if there’s an emergency. These constant fears shouldn’t happen, but they do. And it scares me. Because the realization that horrible things can happen at any moment set in. No one understands the anxiety I go through in my head because this didn’t happen to them.

Not everyday is like that, but fears have come, gone, subsided, and emerged. But I can’t let that stop me from living.

It is, without a doubt, a bad idea to ride on my boyfriend’s motorcycle, because if I get in an accident, I can’t imagine the damage to an already existing permanent injury. But I don’t want to be someone who quit living their life because I survived something. That just doesn’t make sense.

And, damnit, I can do it again! A year ago I was on a cane, before that a walker and wheelchair. So, yeah, I’m gonna let myself enjoy a ride through the metroparks on a sunny day. For me it’s overcoming those fears – the first ride. Forcing myself to try so many things I was unable to do after the accident.

For your case, it’s harder because you want to protect your daughter and how? My suggestions? Maybe put her in karate or self defense. Talk to your family and have emergency plans in place. Up your home security in some way you deem necessary. Find ways to help reassure your family is safe by having everyone prepared. Maybe this will help ease some of those fears a little bit. And talk about it. Don’t let it build up and eat away at you, because you don’t have to deal with it alone. If someone doesn’t understand you, find someone who will. Not everyone is equipped to deal with those conversations.

It took until recently for me to realize that yes, things are better in many ways, physical, emotional, etc. They are simply different. There have been many stages. Where there has been progression, there has also been new challenges, but I’ve learned that each stage is a little bit better. It takes a lot of time, but you’ll look back at different months and eventually years and be able to see the progressions and milestones. You’ll realize the scale is slowly tipping away from fears and toward living a more normal life again. It will get better, because it’s the only direction you can go in.