I miss my friends
It was my 21st birthday. My boyfriend and I had recently broken up. 3 years. I was sad. I got drunk but made sure I had a designated driver. I also took one of my friends’ xanax just because I was so sad. My 2 friends and I got in the car. I don’t remember if my driver was sober, cause of brain trauma not drinking, but the last memory I have he was sober. I don’t have a first memory after waking up from my coma due to pills and again brain trauma. My mom didn’t tell me what happened for a while. She just said I was in a bad accident. She didn’t want me to know my 3 friends were all dead. One died on impact, one died 8 minutes after the crash and one died in the helicopter on the way to the hospital. I was ejected out the back window some how. It was a 2 door car. I had no cosmetic injuries. I suffered massive brain trauma, they called it a “stroke” in my basel ganglia because that bit died off. I crushed my right cheek, broke my right collar bone, 4 ribs, punctured a lung, lacerated my liver, 3 lumbar fractures, 2 pelvis fractures, 4 sacrum fractures and a broken left fibula. I had the right half of my skull removed to relieve the swelling in my brain. I got it back and some plates and screws. I have 2 “pins” in my spine. They are about the size or rail road ties. I was in a coma for 2 1/2 weeks.I have no scars from the actual crash. They are all from the doctors. I’ll admit it’s hard. I’m 21 I’m self concious. I have a lumpy skull, a trac scar, chest tube scar, peg feeding tube scar, and scars on my hip where they went through to place the screws. I had no identification. I was a Jane doe. Then when they finally found our ID’s they told my dad I was dead and my friends husband that she was alive. They gave him false hope. It was my tattoos that identified me. I didn’t spend long at the hospital actually. Andy broken bones healed fast. I guess brain trauma causes the body to mass produce calcium so I recovered faster. I only spent 3 weeks in ICU 2 weeks in TRACU and 1 week in rehab. I had outpatient for about 2 months but I didn’t need much. Everyone called me miracle girl. All my friends family love me. I gave them hope somehow. I don’t know how to be what they want me to be. I don’t know how to comfort them. I don’t even know how to comfort myself. If they hadn’t been out for my birthday they would all be fine. Their kids would still have parents. Their parents would still have their kids. Oh and we hit another lady. She’s okay. She’s older so healing slower than me. She wants nothing to do with me. I wish she’d talk to me. I’m sorry we hit her. But she was twice the legal limit. They still say it’s our fault. And that was her 4th dui. So she was probably alcoholic and in that case she might have felt sober. It’s been almost 7 months now and we still don’t have a final report. I still don’t know what happened. I have no memory. I don’t remember my friends in their last moments. I don’t know if they felt pain or were okay. I wasn’t there to comfort them and hold them and tell them sorry and that they’ll be okay. I couldn’t make peace with their spirits. I couldn’t even say goodbye at the funerals. I wasn’t awake. People expected me to wake up with some answers and bright light story and a new perspective on life.y only perspective is that life is horrible and unfair. I had a few thousand donated to me. I’m not strong enough to make anything of myself to make those people’s money count. My hospitalk bills cost almost a million dollars and I don’t feel like I was good enough for that. I was so sad before the accident. I wish that I hadn’t made it. I wasn’t worth saving. My ex the same one I had just broken up with told me he promised his soul to the gods or devils or whoever was willing to save me. How can I live with that? How can I live up to that? It hurts too much to live. I don’t even know if I’m doing this right. I don’t know how you do these forum things and I don’t know what to say about my feelings and it’s going to sound selfish and messy but I have to say it
